A Privilege

At the end of March, Confidence graduated from University of Johannesburg (UJ) with a diploma in accounting.  

Graduating from university is a big achievement. It's been over 20 years since my college graduation and I'm still a little surprised that I was able to do it. Not because the school work was all that difficult but because at the time, it would have been easier for me not to go to college than it was for me to go if that makes any sense at all. Now, as a forty-something year old, I realize that I was given every opportunity in life so while graduating was something to celebrate, not graduating would have been a travesty. But enough about me. 

Confidence was not given every opportunity in life. If she had not gone to university, or if she had tried and found it too difficult because of the fees and costs, her government school education prior to, or the fact that she slept on a dirt floor with rats because she didn't have enough money to live in better conditions while in school it would have been understandable. But somehow she did it.  Which tells you all you need to know about Confidence. 

Confidence invited me to attend her graduation ceremony. Each graduate was given just three tickets and Confidence invited her mother, her father and me. Usually in life when we are invited to a big event to celebrate an important occasion, it's not a surprise, we expect to be invited and we are angry if we aren't. But I didn't expect to be invited and without question Confidence inviting me to attend her graduation is one of the greatest honors of my life. 

At the same time, I felt a little bad about it. I wondered if Confidence had extended the invitation to me and then immediately thought of thirty other people that she'd wished she'd invited instead. I gently gave her several opportunities to un-invite me. Not because I didn't want to go, but because if she decided that one of her brothers or an old friend or someone else should attend in my place, I wanted her to be able to invite that person. But she insisted that she wanted me there and so I went. 

Being one of the three invitees meant that I spent most of graduation day with Confidence's parents. I had never met them before and I couldn't help but wonder if they were wondering what I was doing there. Keep in mind, I only met Confidence in December of 2016 and by then, she was already poised to graduate. I played no role in helping her or assisting her throughout her college career. 

Confidence, her parents and her diploma. 

If her parents were wondering why I was there, they didn't show it. They were warm and welcoming and funny and nice. Oh, and they were young. About six years younger than I am. Suddenly everyone in the world is younger than me! While I credit Confidence for what she was able to endure and all of the hard work she put into her education, I think some credit goes to her parents. Somehow in the most turbulent, dirty, dangerous, vigilante-justice ridden environment that I've ever encountered in my life, Diepsloot, they kept her on the right path. Or you could argue that Confidence was just born with something inside her that kept her right. Likely it was a combination.

It's clear from what Confidence has told me that her parents were very, very strict with her when she was growing up and they remain so with her brothers.  Her brothers were unable to attend the graduation (no not because I stole the last ticket) because it was a school day and the parents wouldn't let them miss a day of school. 

After the ceremony we took lots of photos of Confidence and her family and friends out on the UJ campus in the hot summer sun. We posed on the perfectly green lawn and in front of the fountains (does every college have a fountain?) And there I am in some of the photos, where I will remain for eternity as the sole white face.  Maybe one day when Confidence is old she will look at the photos and ask herself "what was the name of that white lady?" Hopefully not, as that would mean that she and I would have lost touch. 

Who is that second from the left? 

Confidence's dad asked her what was next and she said that she plans to get her degree (three years for a diploma and four years for a degree) and then her masters and then her PhD. She told him, "you'd better get used to going to graduations because you're going to be going to a lot of them."

Confidence and her mom. 

Confidence Part 3

"They take matters into their hands. That's how Diepsloot is." 

-Confidence 

This is part three of my interview with Confidence. You can find part one here and part two here.

Confidence will graduate with a diploma in accounting in March. Then, she plans to return to university for one more year (her fourth year) to obtain a degree. After that, she hopes to get a job in financial management. 

I asked Confidence about her goals for the future, the old "where do you see yourself in five years" and she replied, without hesitation, that she wants to get out of Diepsloot and that she wants to get her family out of Diepsloot as well. She wants to send her parents to live on a farm because "they love animals." She also wants to make sure her brothers attend university. 

I was a little surprised that she replied that way. Not completely surprised because I have been to Diepsloot and I can't imagine living there, but throughout our talks Confidence has never mentioned anything negative about Diepsloot. In fact, I am pretty sure she had told me once that she liked attending the Diepsloot Combined School and that she thought it was a good school. But in hindsight, it all made sense, how and why Confidence was able to survive the starvation, the rats and the disingenuous pastor, when I am pretty sure most of us would have given up, it's because if she gave up and left school she thought she'd be destined to a life spent in Diepsloot, and she's probably right. With 25% unemployment in this country being a hard worker and a loyal employee is not enough. You have to have skills and education and even with those things it can still be a challenge.  

This is the essence of Confidence, she is not just working hard for the sake of working hard, like a lot of us. She has a plan and even if that plan involves a lot of suffering or giving up hopes of a career in art to instead study accounting she will do it. Whatever it takes. 

Confidence has her learner's permit but she had never driven a car before, so I gave her a driving lesson in a practically abandoned parking lot.

To the casual visitor, like me, Diepsloot is overwhelming. It is a different world, one that is extremely crowded, where there is trash, dirty water and often sewage in the streets. There is also a lot of crime. According to crime stats SA in 2016 there were 68 murders in Diepsloot plus another 70 attempted. There were also 151 sexual offenses, 776 assaults with intent to inflict grievous bodily harm and another 494 common assaults. Also, 169 robberies and an additional 487 robberies with aggravating circumstances. And, there were 22 cases of arson. These are just the reported crimes of course and there are even more crime stats available but I think you get the idea. Keep in mind that in Chicago in 2016 there were 762 homicides, the highest number in 20 years, and Chicago has a population of 2.7 million. Whereas about 200,000 people live in Diepsloot. A better mathematician than me could analyze and translate that information for you.   

But the issue that Confidence told me about and the one that I think she finds the most upsetting is vigilante justice. My words, not hers. 

Confidence said that one morning when she was in matric (grade 12) she heard noise outside of her house. When she went to investigate she saw a mob of people chasing and beating a man. He was hit in the face with a brick and he was killed as Confidence and her brother watched. He had been caught trying to steal a car. 

Another time, there was a rumor that a man was raping children and so members of the community killed him by necklacing. Meaning a tire was pulled over his head, pinning his arms to his body, he was doused in petrol (gasoline) and set on fire. Confidence didn't see this happen but she said she smelled it. 

And then once, after a series of robberies where electronics and appliances were taken from homes in Diepsloot, the suspected thief's shack was burned to the ground with him trapped inside. 

The day after Confidence told me these stories, I was with Gift and I mentioned this mob violence to him. "Oh yes," he said, " I once saw a group of people beat a man in Diepsloot (Gift once lived in Diepsloot.) "In Diepsloot" he told me, "you must not break the law."

Students at the Diepsloot Combined School

More Confidence

This is part two of my interview with Confidence. If you missed part one you can read it here. 

"Sometimes it was hard to listen in class but I always called my crying tummy to order."

- Confidence Tshivhula

Confidence answers my questions thoughtfully, slowly and carefully pausing to contemplate each answer before replying. I can tell that certain topics are difficult for her to talk about. Here is more of her story.

Eventually Confidence got an electrician to reconnect the lights in her shack but she still had to endure the dirt floor, the holes in the walls, the door that she couldn't lock, the rats and the faulty roof. Because she couldn't lock the door and was afraid, Confidence stopped sleeping at the shack, using it only as a place to store her belongings, and began sleeping in the lecture halls at school. After studying at the library until late at night, she'd go to her hiding spot for a few hours sleep. Other students sometimes noticed that she hadn't changed her clothes from one day to the next but when they commented she told them she "didn't like washing clothes."

Confidence had no money to buy food and went days without eating. At night she would visit a nearby market after closing and search the bins for discarded food. Sometimes she'd find carrots and tomatoes still fresh enough to eat. Sunday was her favorite day as lunch was served following the church service she attended. She volunteered for the task of washing lunch dishes so she could eat the leftover food from people's plates. 

I asked Confidence how she was able to concentrate in class and sleep at night when she was so hungry. She said it was difficult at first, but after a while her body adjusted, "I wasn't used to food anymore." Although now her situation has improved she says she cares little about eating and doesn't have the same appetite that she used to.

One night Confidence returned to her shack to retrieve some clothes and her landlord was there waiting for her. He was tired of her late rent payments and he chased her away. Confidence begged him to allow her wait until morning to move out but he would not and so in the middle of the night she went to stay at the home of her church pastor and his family.

Confidence loved and admired the pastor and his wife and she was happy for the chance to live with them and be a part of their family. But instead of treating her like family she says that they treated her like a servant. While she was allowed to live in their house rent free, she was expected to do all of the cleaning and housework. The family had a washing machine but Confidence was not allowed to use it and had to wash her own clothes by hand. They also did not share any of their food with her. When she talks about this time I get the feeling that living with the pastor was a more difficult experience for her than living in the shack as she was so hurt and disappointed by people she thought were nice but proved not to be genuine. After three months Confidence moved out of the pastor's home and she no longer attends that church. 

She was also disappointed and surprised by behavior displayed by some of her fellow classmates. She witnessed students dressed in fancy clothes and shoes that she describes as "breathtaking" being dropped off at school in expensive cars. At first she thought these students were being dropped off by their parents but later she realized that some of them had much older boyfriends who were paying for a high end lifestyle in exchange for sex and younger companionship. 

Since her first year at varsity (she is now in her third year) Confidence's financial situation has improved a bit thanks in part to a monthly stipend of R500 (approximately $35) that she she receives from the Edu Fun Further Education Program (FEP.)  Edu Fun is the same organization that I volunteer with at the Diepsloot Combined School (DCS) helping younger children with their English. Through the FEP arm, Edu Fun supports approximately twenty varsity students all graduates of DCS. The students receive a stipend to help them with food, transport and living expenses while they are at university. Confidence didn't learn about FEP until she was in her second year of varsity. Edu Fun's website seems to be under construction currently but here is a link to the Facebook page.

With Confidence

"I was just a tennis ball. Even when people press me down I will always bounce back and the more I felt pressed down I would bounce back even higher."

                   - Confidence Tshivhula

Confidence Tshivula is 22 years old. She grew up in Diepsloot and graduated from the Diepsloot Combined School (DCS) which is the school where I volunteer twice a week. 

Confidence is studying accounting at the University of Johannesburg (UJ) and she will graduate with a diploma in March, 2017.  A few months ago I read an essay that Confidence wrote about her experiences as a varsity student. I was fascinated and asked if I could interview her for my blog. I told her that my blog has a relatively small readership as I didn't want her to get overly excited thinking a book or movie deal would be forthcoming. Fortunately she agreed to talk with me anyway. 

When I saw Confidence for the first time she was standing outside of the Mugg & Bean where we had planned to meet. She was dressed in a black dress and a short sleeved black shrug sweater.  I was immediately struck by how cute she is. She's short with a pretty heart shaped face. 

In many ways Confidence is similar to other 22 year old women. She grew up in a family with her mother, father and two younger brothers. She has big hopes and dreams for her future. Sometimes she gets frustrated with her parents but she never argues or fights with them as that is not permissible in her culture (that part is definitely not similar.) She wants to get her driver's license, loves art, likes to draw, paint, sew and make pillows. She can also play the guitar.

The first question I asked was about her name. I learned that her African name is Ndivhuwo and her English name is Confidence. She told me that it was her father that named her. It is not unusual to meet African people with all kinds of interesting and quite honestly AWESOME names like Beauty, Surprise, Polite, Blessing, Sonnyboy, Tears and more, but I have never met anyone named Confidence and Confidence told me that she has never met another Confidence either. 

In 1999, when she was five, Confidence came to live in Diepsloot from the rural South African province of Limpopo. She'd been living with her grandmother as her parents had come to Joburg to look for work. When she arrived and joined her parents she only spoke Venda, one of the 11 official languages of South Africa, but she attended a creche (nursery school) and quickly learned to speak Zulu, Xhosa, Sepedi and English.  

In Limpopo, the family lived in a large shack with three rooms. In Diepsloot, their shack was much smaller. They lived in the small shack until 2001 when they were granted an RDP House in Diepsloot. RDP stands for Reconstruction and Development Programme which in addition to other things, provides government subsidized homes for poor people as part of a larger plan to try to address the consequences of apartheid. Confidence still remembers how excited she was to move into a real house and to have her own room. Her parents still live in the same house and Confidence still has a room there although her family has turned it into somewhat of a storage area as she is living away from home much of the time attending university. 

As a child Confidence wanted to become a doctor. This dream began when she and a childhood friend were playing and the friend fell and cut herself. Confidence cared for her friend and bandaged her cut. From then on everyone told Confidence that she should be a doctor when she grew up and so she decided that she would. 

Although she enjoyed attending DCS school was not easy and she says she was only an average student. She worked hard but when she applied for university she was told that her grades were not good enough to study medicine. She and her father went to a meeting with an admissions officer who made this point clearly and definitively pulling a stack of transcripts out of a drawer and showing them to Confidence and her father saying, "look at the grades of these students, these are the people who can become doctors, not you." 

Confidence thinks that her dad was disappointed to hear this news but Confidence quickly bounced back and decided she would study to become a fashion designer.  At DCS she was known to be an excellent artist. She was so good that the principal gave her the keys to the art room so she could access it at any time. In addition, leading up to the 2010 World Cup there was an art contest at school. The student with the best drawing would win a ticket to the event. Confidence was the winner. 

But when Confidence told her father that she wanted to become a fashion designer he said no, that there was no money in it and it was then decided that Confidence would study accounting. As a person who possesses absolutely no mathematical skills, I am impressed by people who can do even simple calculations. But when I asked Confidence if she liked accounting she only replied "I am doing accounting. I am doing accounting." As we talked, I mentioned that I agreed with her father, that it might be difficult to earn money as a fashion designer or an artist. I felt badly immediately after I said it because her whole face changed and she looked really sad. I guess I forgot what it's like to be 22.

After graduating from DCS Confidence was excited to begin attending university. You would think that if one could somehow survive life in Diepsloot with all the drugs, violence, dirt and crime and if one could achieve grades good enough to be accepted to university that things would then be o.k. Unfortunately this is not the case. Even if students from Diepsloot are accepted to university and even if they somehow manage to find the money to pay their school fees through financial aid and bursaries, they still have no money for books, transport to school, student housing or food. Many talented students have had to drop out of university because they simply can't afford to live while going to school.

Confidence attends university at the UJ campus located at Klipspruit Soweto. Klipspruit is about 45 kilometers from Diepsloot so in her first year she had to live near campus as she had no money to pay for transport. Confidence and a friend rented a small one room shack with one window and a dirt floor in Klipspruit. The landlord promised them that he would put down a real floor with tiles. He also promised that he would fix the holes in the roof and the walls but he never did. Every time it rained water poured into the shack and all of their books and clothes got soaked. Rats entered the shack through the holes in the wall. Eventually the roommate moved out taking all of her furniture with her. Confidence was left with nothing except for the rats, who she admits she talked to when she was lonely, and a dirt floor to sleep on. 

Confidence continued to have problems with the landlord as her rent was due at the end of each month but her parents did not get paid until the 2nd of the following month. She tried to explain this situation to the landlord and also tried to earn her own money by offering her services as a hair stylist but there was never enough money to close the gap and she never paid the rent on time. After her roommate moved out the landlord cut off the electricity to the shack and he took away her keys so that Confidence could no longer lock the shack door. She studied by the light of her cell phone but she was too scared to sleep in the shack with the door unlocked. Dogs from the neighborhood would chase the rats and the noise would wake her up at night. She would often wake up to find the shack door wide open.  

More to come from my conversations with Confidence in my next post.